Here are some tips that will help get Single/Divorced/Separated Dads through the holidays:
#1 – THE KIDS COME FIRST!
The holidays are for the kids, not you. Remember, the most important objective is that you are raising children who are going to become adults; you’re not raising children to remain children. They are only going to be little for a few years, and even though it is hard to imagine, most of their lives is going to be spent as adults. Every decision you make should be to promote your goal of raising happy, well adjusted, emotionally stable young men and women.
– Accept what is so … or as I like to say, “Done is done.” It’s a simple concept, but we all struggle with it. You are divorced. You live in separate households. You may or may not be happy about that, so now what? Usually it means you are not going to have the kids for every holiday. That’s the way it is. For some people that is a painful thought, but you can’t change it, so getting upset about it will only make matters worse.
-Accept that you are going to have to divide up the holidays in some fashion. It may be Christmas Eve with you and Christmas Day with the ex, or vice versa. If you live in separate towns, it may mean that this year the kids will spend the holidays with you and next year they will be with their other parent. Always keep in mind what is best for your children.
-Recall your fondest memories of the holidays when you were growing up. What did your parents do for you that you still cherish? Why not recreate some of those memories for your children? Perhaps you don’t have the best memories of the holidays. If that is the case, then don’t do what your parents did. Instead, do what you wish they had done.
Don’t try and match up your family life with the fantasy of “the perfect family.” It’s never perfect, so enjoy the time you spend together and make the absolute most of it. For your kids, they get to celebrate Christmas twice! They are happy. Isn’t that what you want for them? Remember, some day they are going to be 20 years old and look at you as an adult. Wouldn’t it be nice if you can look back and remember how you arranged it so that their holidays could be pleasant and joyous?
#2 – START SOME TRADITIONS WITH YOUR KIDS.
Start a tradition that they will look forward to year after year. It could be something really easy. It’s the little, simple things that make your kids feel special and secure.
Whatever you decide on, whether it’s cooking something unique or something else, make sure to have the kids participate in the process. It could be as simple as stuffing the turkey. The key is to do something with them and be totally focused on them. Turn off the cell phone and the computer. Just spend time completely devoted to interacting with them. See if you can find out something about them that you never knew before. Let them see a side of you that they didn’t know before. Tell them stories about you growing up. You can make it fun and meaningful by interacting with them.
If you have the energy, I highly recommend a tradition of doing something to recognize how lucky you are. You want your kids to develop an attitude of gratitude. This is one of the most important things you can do to develop a sense of wellbeing and happiness in a young person. Have you ever noticed how happy people tend to be grateful for just about everything and unhappy people always feel like they have been cheated out of something? The holidays are a wonderful time to gently remind the kids that they are better off than many other people. So here are some ideas:
-Find out what local charities give out free meals on Christmas and volunteer as servers. You will be amazed at the positive impact it will have on your 12-year-old son when he is passing out mashed potatoes to “the poor people.” You just need to make a couple of phone calls to find out where these events will be held, then make the arrangements to be there.
-You and the kids help a family in your town that’s in need. Maybe the kids can contribute part of their allowance. What’s important is that they participate. They have to know who it is you’re doing this for. Maybe put the money in a jar. Set a goal that you are going to buy certain things for that family. Just about every city in the country has an organization that collects money and gifts for underprivileged folks during the holidays. Talk to the people who run that charity and find out how you can be a part of it. It doesn’t take any time at all; you just want to set it up in advance, so your kids know how they are helping. It makes your kids feel grateful for what they have, and it teaches them some very valuable lessons.
The holidays get really hectic. If possible, do this before the holidays engulf and overwhelm you. Set things up ahead of time so that you and your children actually enjoy the holidays. Figure out the schedule of where your kids are going to be, when they are going to be there, and who they are going to be with.
Are you going to have the kids on Christmas Day? Plan what you want to do, plan your little traditions or your big traditions. Make the day a memory that your kids will always cherish. Most importantly, if you are spending the day with them, spend it with them. Don’t let your thoughts go elsewhere. Don’t be distracted by other things in life.
If you don’t have your kids on Christmas Day, celebrate it with them on a different day, and then do something special for yourself on the actual holiday. This will help you to feel OK about the situation.
You are never going to get to do this particular holiday season over, so commit yourself to enjoying it. Don’t let the world tell you what to do. If there is a certain gift that you want to buy and it’s important to you, great! Even the shopping experience itself should be enjoyable, not frantic. Just remember, it is not things that make people happy, it is relationships.
Make the holidays what you want them to be. Yes, there are restrictions. You may not have the kids as much as you want; you may not have as much money as you want. But that’s simply what is so. Don’t fight the things you have no control over.
–
-Len Stauffenger, Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents